Unapologetic and Authentic Living
Showing Up for Self Love
Beautiful in the skin that I’m in. That’s where I am today. Never mind that I need to wash my hair, have a long overdue facial, and get some skin pampering. I love ME today. I love the company I keep because I’m no longer controlled by other people's thoughts and emotions. The Group Think has never been for me. As a child, I felt so weird, strange, and different all the time as if something was wrong with being unique. I wanted so badly to be normal, whatever that is. I don’t think I’ve met a normal person yet I just wanted to fit in.
Growing up I wanted to do what everybody else was doing and the peer pressure was sometimes suffocating but I suppose some of that’s normal as a child. After all, we’re all trying to understand the world around us and how we relate to humanity based on everything that we encounter. The relationships we see in our families the community, our peers, etc… shape our social reality. Or is it by design? Have we become so accustomed as a Western world culture to controlling the paths of other people that we don’t encourage individuality?
I was never the hip kid on the latest trends, I didn’t grow up with the fresh new Jordans and the trending fads and styles. I’m an OG millennial who was raised by boomers, they’re old school. I had what I needed and we were modest, not sloppy but never flashy and today I’m grateful for that. I would describe it as a very neutral style and today I’m glad to know that I had clothes on my back, a roof over my head, and food to eat every day. I was the kid who preferred to read books because I loved to escape my so-called reality. I loved anything fantasy, outer space, or magick-related.
As I grew older and the rise of the digital era was born, I found myself reading less and watching TV more. I often found myself studying the sitcoms of the 90s. Moesha, Sister, Sister, and celebrities like Aaliyah and Destiny’s Child were my stylists and I was always trying to figure out what I was gonna wear to school the next day by their trends. I chuckle when I think back to that because sometimes the outfits were a clear miss of the mark. It’s almost as if it never occurred to me that I didn’t have those same clothes so I had to work with what I had in my closet, and don’t even get me started on the hairstyles that I was so desperately trying to mimic. My saving grace in high school was when I gained employment and started getting my own checks that’s when I finally got to trend in with my fashion style, my hairstyles, and my nails. I was already on the map as a singer at this time, so I had gained a little bit of celebrity in the hallways.
I didn’t notice it at the time but having those clothes and getting noticed, still couldn’t fill that hole in my soul. I was so depressed by that time and in my family nobody was talking about depression, that was something you just got over as if it were a storm just passing through, an acute feeling rather than a chronic state of being. I just learned how to stuff it and keep it moving, nobody ever really knew what was going on with me on the inside as a child or later on as I became an adult. I carried that behavior pattern with me into different group settings. I would say the peer pressure got a lot better as an adult, but I found myself struggling to figure out how to be and how to behave, always striving for cultural and behavioral appropriation, never quite fitting in anywhere. I usually had one or two close friends and lots of associates by the time I was in high school.
I’ve always been a sociable person and I can strike up a conversation with anyone but interpersonal intimate relationships were very few unless they involved a man of course. I was grateful for my first experience with a therapist in my early 20s. It was then that I was able to uncover the tremendous amount of PTSD that I was experiencing frequently and I stayed in and out of depression, mostly in. My ability to put on a mask as if everything was not just good but exceptional was impressive. I had mastered the art of fitting in as if I belonged a part of any crowd.
My story is not uncommon at all. I’ve found that most people have lived this way for so long that they don’t even realize that they’re doing it. It becomes the comfortable way to be until it isn’t. I heard the cries loud within my soul telling me that I should just be myself and not care about what other people thought about me. It seemed so simple to say it but to live it, not so much. I realize that my reflection of myself allowed me to tolerate behaviors from other people that were not up to par with someone who held themselves in high regard, and definitely not something I would entertain today.
After being hurt repeatedly and giving more to others than I was giving myself I had to decide to demand more from myself. It wasn’t the other people that was the problem, it was my inability to be at peace with myself. I found that out later on. In my book The 5 Stages of Shadow Work, I talk about self-awareness being the first stage of any transformational change. If I don’t realize there’s a problem I’ll continue the pattern of behavior and express the dysfunction of that in other areas of my life unconsciously. I was tired of being depressed and I started seeking a different way of living. I wanted to feel what it was like to show up authentically and unapologetically. When I started researching and applying, I learned some valuable tools that would change my life. I use these tools interchangeably and at different stages of my self-love journey today.
Here are some of the tools that I used to get to the other side of this shadow work
Affirmations
Affirmations were extremely powerful for me. This allowed me to speak life over myself. Speaking in the present, often lifted my mood and released endorphins inside of me that created possibilities for myself that were tangible over time.
Journaling
This was a great form of expression for me. As a child, I held things inside of me and internalized everything, journaling gave me an outlet way to expand my consciousness and awareness about myself over the years. I would go back and read my previous journals sometimes and the growth was evident.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
This was new territory for me. I never realized that wanting to be liked and fit in meant that I often did things that I didn’t want to do. Setting healthy boundaries opened up space for me to be comfortable with a simple No! Speaking up for myself, as if my morals and values for myself mattered. Because they do!
Mindfulness
Taking the time to just sit and BE, helped me to be comfortable with myself and at peace in that moment. It started on the mat, and I began to take that feeling with me throughout the day. This took practice and I learned to love it. Simply BEING allowed me to be less concerned with the outside world and more concerned with my inner compass.
Learning Compassion
Having compassion for myself and the things that I didn’t know, allowed me to have compassion for other people and to consider what they might be going through. Understanding that at the end of the day, we’re all doing the best we know how. Nobody’s perfect and we’re all here to learn and grow.
Gratitude
Having gratitude for where I am and what I’ve overcome helped me to see the value of my life. Understanding that the universe makes no mistakes. Gratitude raises my vibration.
Healthy Relationships
When I started to feel better about myself, I started to attract like-minded people. I was able to foster positive relationships because of the way that I felt about myself, and I was able to reciprocate in those relationships.
Having Goals
When I was able to learn more about myself, I went back to discover things that were important to me. Why did I ever stop doing it, to begin with? Was it because I was more concerned with pleasing others?
Self-Care Practices
Taking some time for myself and getting to love myself opened up space for self-care practices. Yoga, meditation, and exercise were all very beneficial for me. It could be as simple as making a delicious meal for myself and getting proper rest. These practices made it OK to spoil me and to be a little bit self-absorbed.
Embracing My Uniqueness
Over time the combination of all of these practices, sometimes simultaneously, and sometimes separately gave me the ability to recognize that I’m uniquely me and that’s okay.
These are just some of the tools that I use to get a healthy opinion of myself. Today I am confident and empowered, and I recognize that being this way sometimes rubs people raw. But today, I don’t let it bother me. I realize that’s none of my business. I have more peace in my life when I’m least concerned about what other people think about me, this doesn’t mean that I am not compassionate and empathetic. It just means that once I become so self-centered as to what I think the world thinks about me, I’m in danger of falling into pitfalls, and rabbit hole thoughts and emotions. If I find myself going into the Darkside I’m usually able to correct the course through one of these tools. Today I’m comfortable in my skin and that’s a beautiful place to be and a peaceful way to live, not at war with myself and others.
Feel free to leave a comment, I’d love to see your perspective.
How do you practice self-care?
Which one of these tools do you use the most and why?
How do you show up authentically in your life?
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